To say I didn't see this coming would be disgrace to my intelligence.
I had one thousand warning signs
and I chose to handle them without care.
Instead I chose to listen to my heart,
and a heart usually has nothing to do with intelligence but everything to do
with being led astray when I chose to ignore the
inner voice that carries all of the intelligence.
My soul yelled at me in my sleep,
the little that I was able to catch,
keeping me awake with nightmares,
playing previous scenes of past experiences over and over,
night after night,
screaming for my attention
but instead of waking up and moving on,
I chose to sleep in
My gut feelings cried so violently that I
could feel the nausea for weeks,
and it refused to go away until I had listened to it,
until I had given up, given in,
thrown up my feelings and came to
My mind spoke so loudly, saying that
I had every premonition to make the right choice,
to let go like I always had,
but instead I was making the wrong,
and my mind couldn’t have spoken any louder because
it’s voice had become so faded from trying.
It, too, had given up.
My body had felt the pain, too, not just through the heart,
but through its entirety,
because of the countless hours I would spend running
mile after mile
until I had reached an unreasonable amount and until
I had lifted enough weights that the pain tore through me,
and I could ignore the pain of everything I already knew would unfold.
It was telling me from the beginning that this pain was no unfamiliar territory.
The most difficult part was not listening to myself,
not listening to what I knew was best and what I had always known,
and instead I let myself confess instead of withdrawing
like I had done so seldom before.
And when those feelings started to fade, and my
mind and my soul and my gut began to internally laugh at me,
for they had known all along,
I couldn’t help but remember that this was
exactly what I thought was going to happen,
and yet, I had carried on.