We spent weeks deciding how we would subtly end a

relationship but keep it alive enough

to continue loving each other

 

But we are months away from our conversations

and I can’t seem to muster a reason to see you or speak to you. 

I receive cryptic text messages, 

late at night, 

from you and I wonder what I could have said

or what I didn’t say that made you feel the need

to send unreadable messages when you are most vulnerable. 

 

As much as I like to tell people that I’m ok, 

and that I don’t think about you, 

I stay awake late at night, pondering, 

hoping, 

worrying

about if we will ever be ok. 

 

Because when you truly, 

madly, 

deeply

love someone and want them to be happy, 

you don’t let them go. 

 

And I feel like I am slipping through the traditional 

end of relationship

cracks

that everyone else goes through. 

 

I didn’t think we were everyone else. 

 

I can’t help but wonder if we will be everyone else

if we will discontinue speaking to each other fully

if we will pass by as strangers, knowing in the back of our minds

that we can see our history through each other’s eyes

 

We are becoming everything we agreed not to become

 

I still find myself wondering, when will we be ok? 

 

Will we ever be ok?

 

Or is this, this silence, going to be the new us? 

 

This piece has been published on Mogul. You can view the published version here

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